Difference between revisions of "Puppies and Pwnage"

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Puppies and Pwnage is a supplementary book to the 3rd edition of the popular ropleplaying game Dungeons and Dragons. It provides a variety of new spells, several new classes, and a new set of abilities according to the titular theme.

Spells

For the Lulz

This spell has absolutely no effect in and of itself other than wasting a spell lot. A wizard or sorcerer with sufficient charisma however may be able to convince others that they have in fact done something, bound only by their imagination.

Summon Kulademan

The wizard summons the dread demon Kulademan, who will feast on the blood of the wizard's enemies, adding their delicious life essence to his own. If the wizard is near a wall of some kind, Kulademan will burst through the wall, destroying it. Otherwise, he will not be summoned and the spell fails. The wizard must declare this thirst and makes a Will saivng throw upon the appearance of Kulademan to avoid being overwhelmed by his demonic presence and consumed.

Material Components: A pitcher of water and a ruby, which is crushed into the water.

OVER 9000

To invoke this incredibly powerful spell, the wizard must be asked "WHAT DOES THE SCOUTER SAY ABBOUT HIS POWER LEVEL?". to which the wizard must respond "ITS OVER 9000!". After this process, which takes two rounds, this powerful spell is invoked and the wizard's Power Level is raised to OVER 9000: Strength, Dexterity, Constitution are set to 9001, the wizard gains 9001 bonus hit points, and he receives attacks equivalent to a fighter of level 9001. The spell lasts for at most 9001 rounds, but if the wizard does not yell "ITS OVER 9000!!!!" in a round, the spell is broken.

Material Components: A Scouter, which is crushed after the first cry of "OVER 9000!!!!!"

Fuzzy Doom

The Wizard calls upon the spirits of the adorable teddy bear. At his feet are summoned a continuous stream of 6-inch tall fuzzy teddy bears that, animated through the demonic energy of the spell, march outward. The bears crawl, at a rate of 30ft/round, over anything in their path, and will crawl atop each other to overtake vertical barriers. The bears are impeded for one round per 10 feet of vertical barrier. Anyone caught in the stream is slowed to half their normal speed. When the bears reach a target, the target must make a reflex save (with a bonus of +4 for each size category above medium) or fall into the stream. Even if the save is made, after 2 rounds (+1 per size above medium) in the swarm, the target is enveloped in fuzzy death. Once in the stream, the target must make a Fortitude save each round to avoid being suffocated and crushed; two failed saves indicate being choked by the teddy bears, and crushing damage taken in the stream is 3d6/round or half with a successful Fort. save.

Arcane Focus: An adorable teddy bear.

Shelinda's Adorable Puppy Burst

When cast Shelinda's Adorable Puppy Burst causes 2d4 puppies to burst from within the target creature, inflicting severe bodily harm to them. The target creature must succeed on a fortitude save or be killed immediately by the spell. If the creature does succeed on their fortitude save they still suffer 1d8 points of damage for each puppy summoned by the spell. Once summoned the puppies will remain for 3 rounds if not killed and will obey the commands of the caster. For the purpose of hit points, attacks and damage, saving throws etc. the puppies are treated as dogs.

Melf's Acid Trip

Feats

Pick Pocket Head

Prerequisite: Dexterity 19+, Strength 16, Pick Pocket 15 Ranks.

Benefit: The rogue uses her expert pick pocketing abilities to pick pocket the head of an enemy. This ability is used as a normal pick pocket action would proceed, except that the enemy receives an addition Fortitude save against (DC10 + the rogue's level) to resist the theft. If the pick pocketing skill check succeeds by 5 or more, the victim is unaware of the head being removed.

Special: Success is automatic against any Rakhshasa named Ihfateer.

Flashdance

Prerequisite: Dexterity 15+, Whirlwind Attack, Barbarian Rage, Perform 10 Ranks, Tumble 10 Ranks.

Benefit: The Barbarian uses his mighty rage to fuel a devastating dance. When active, the Barbarian does not incur attacks of opportunity, is immune to all mind-affecting and sonic effects, can jump twice the normal height and distance, moves at doubled speed, and deals double damage with each attack. The Dance lasts for 3 rounds + 1 round for each enemy killed, but ends if the Barbarian does not move at least 50 feet in a round. Also, when the Dance is over, the Barbarian becomes winded as per Rage, but with twice the negative effect.

Special: The winding penalty can be reduced to the usual Rage winding penalty if a large bucket of water is poured over the Barbarian within 1 round of the Flashdance's conclusion.

Obvious Hiding

Prerequisite: Medium Size or larger, 10 ranks Intimidate, Hide at most 0 Ranks.

Benefit: The character gains the ability to remove himself from the awareness of enemies by doing precisely the opposite, i.e. making himself as obvious as possible. By making loud noises and staying in the field of vision of the enemies, the character can effectively hide so long as the attention of the enemies is fixed on him. The hide persists so long as succeed their spot check against DC 12.

Special: Characters who hide from some enemies and attempt to obvious hide from others receive a -4 penalty to Hide and enemies receive a -4 penalty to their obvious hide spot check.

Raging Sneak Great Cleave

Prerequisite: Str 15+, Obvious Hiding, Weapon Focus in large, two handed weapon, Base Attack Bonus +12 or higher, Sneak Attack, Great Cleave, Rage.

Benefit: The Barbarian masters the art of stealth rage, gaining the ability to use large, two handed weapons to strike a target for a devastating sneak attack. A successful sneak attack using the weapon in which weapon focus has been taken while raging that kills a target hidden by Obvious Hiding allows the Barbarian, unnoticed, to sneak attack another target against whom the Barbarian is Obviously Hiddden.

Techno Rave

Prerequisites: Cha 16+, Con 13+, Perform 13 Ranks, At least 3 levels in Bard.

Benefit: The Bard uses his musical instrument and voice to create an intense techno beat that inspires all around him to dance. First the bard makes a perform check against DC 20, with enemies gaining an attack of opportunity, to successfully form the beat. Then, enemies and allies within 30 ft must make a will save against the Bard's level + 1d20 or succumb to the intoxicating beat, losing their action for that round. Success indicates desensitization to the beat. This, however, affects the bard as well, and after initiating the Beat must continue for at least three rounds.

Special: Enemies that are currently drunk or have ingested mind-altering drugs are automatically affected, chaotic lighting such as a large fire will incur a -4 penalty to the save. The Bard may use this ability to entertain a crowd, gaining twice whatever rate would have been obtained via the standard rules for Perform, but suffering a terrible headache (-2 to attack/Damage/AC) for 6 hours afterwards.

Epic Fail

Prerequisites: Character level at least 21, Int at most 15.

Benefit: When making any skill check, use a d10 instead of a d20.

Special: Improves the effects of Epic Lulz.

Creatures

Assassin Pie

The Assassin Pie is evil and deadly and all that (to be written later). Note: stats were written as placeholders.

Dread Demon Kulademan

Don't think I should even write this one.

Demon Lord Nachos

Again, to be written later.

Classes

Bureaucrat

Class Features

All of the following are class features of the bureaucrat.

Weapon and Armor Proficiency: Bureaucrats lead lives so dull and unfulfilling that they see no particular reason to make an attempt at self-defense if threatened. Thus, they are not proficient with any kind of weapon or armor, and see being attacked as a method of leaving the job more expedient than the paperwork-ridden process of quitting. Bureaucrats are, however, skilled with certain items that could in theory be used as improvised weapons, which are: Stapler, Paper (1d2 slashing damage), Pen (treat as a dart), and Obscure Law Tome (treat as small club).

Spells: Bureaucrats derive their mystical power from Triplicatus, the benevolent but distant God of Paperwork, or the malevolent Enwi, God of Soul Crushing Boredom (See Divine Obscurity supplementary text for details of this pantheon). However, as both deities are extremely distant and without much power to bestow upon mortals, bureaucrats gain no spellcasting abilities until they have become nearly avatars of the deities themselves; see Epic Bureaucrat for details.

Bonus Languages: The bureaucrat may choose as a bonus language any language that has been out of use for at least fifty years, or any obscure dialect of a currently spoken language. The bureaucrat may also choose Lawyerese (???) or Improved Bureaucratese, the latter of which provides a +2 bonus to all save DCs when spoken abilities are used.

Speak Bureaucratese: At first level, the Bureaucrat gains Bureaucratese as a bonus language. By shrouding his speech in confusing technicalities and esoteric rules, the Bureaucrat may more effectively persuade others. He adds his intelligence as well as Charisma modifier to all Persuade and Bluff checks.

Summon Paperwork: The most basic of the bureaucrat's powers; He may conjure a stack of useless paperwork 3 times + once per level. This paperwork may be totally irrelevant, or vaguely pertinent to a subject of the Bureaucrat's choosing, but never can they be useful. The paperwork must be produced either from within the robes of the Bureaucrat, from a desk, or files of some other kind.

Frustrate: At level 2, the Bureaucrat is skillful enough that he is able to infuriate enemies by his uselessness and babble. When being questioned, the bureaucrat may force the questioner to make a will save against DC 10 + the Bureaucrat's level or become so annoyed that the questioning is given up. Note that success indicates immunity to further Frustration. In combat, the bureaucrat may babble ceaselessly for a round, forcing the enemy to make this will save or avoid (remain 15 + 2*(level) feet away) the bureaucrat for 3 rounds. Of course, there are a variety of mitigating factors for this will save, including furious rage at the annoying bureaucrat; these bonuses may be assigned at the DM's discretion.

Misplace Paperwork: The bureaucrat may choose to "misplace" any paperwork given to him. The paperwork is sent to an obscure extradimensional space where it is lost forever. This process takes 3 rounds and is stopped if the bureaucrat is watched during the execution.

Flood of Paperwork: The bureaucrat summons a massive flood of paperwork to drown enemies. From a desk or other file storage device the bureaucrat calls forth a stream of papers that forms a cone 25 + 5*(level) feet in length and at most 20 feet in width. This flood is generally about a foot tall once it settles after one round (settled paper halves movement speed). Enemies hit take 2d4 slashing damage from paper cuts and are blinded for 2 rounds (Fort. save negates). Flood of paperwork is a supernatural ability.

Facelessness: The bureaucrat begins to assume the appearance of the true bureaucrat, appearing irrelevant and without personality. The bureaucrat receives a +4 bonus to Hide, and may hide as per Hide in Plain Sight so long as combat is not in progress and the environment is some kind of office. Disguise checks for an unobtrusive disguise are made with a +4 bonus as well. Scrying against the bureaucrat is done at a -4 penalty. However, the bureaucrat is rarely noticed even if he wants to, and so incurs a penalty of -5 on Persuade checks when trying to convince others to help him.

Red Tape: The bureaucrat conjures a barrier of bureaucratic energy that prevents enemies from crossing. The bureaucrat designates an area, at most 25 square feet/level, to be warded. Enemies attempting to enter the area make a will save (DC 15 + the bureaucrat's level) to pass. If they fail, they have a sudden aversion to this area, and if failure is by 10 or more, wander off for 3 rounds in search of the necessary paperwork to register before realizing there isn't any. For every visible person within the red tape, the DC is lowered by 1. Red Tape placed along actual walls adds +2 to the DC, and +5 if the red tape is around a single object like a desk or a particular stack of papers. The red tape lasts 3 rounds, and can be extended if in each subsequent round, a partial action is taken in the vicinity of the red tape to preserve it (babbling at those near the perimeter, for instance, or simply standing around looking important).

Numb Mind: The bureaucrat spends 3 rounds explaining useless things to the target, who then becomes mentally numbed for a duration of 1 round/level. A will save against DC 10 + Level + Cha avoids the effect. Numbed characters receive a +8 bonus to saves against Enchantment spells, but suffer a -2 penalty to attack and armor class, -6 penalty to Spot and Sense Motive, and a 30% chance of arcane spell failure.

Emotionlessness: The bureaucrat has been in his dull profession for so long that he has become drained of all emotions. The bureaucrat's mind becomes numb and insensitive to any kind of emotional appeal. The bureaucrat makes a Fortitude save against the spell save DC to resist an enchantment spell (in addition to the standard will save), and these saves are made at +3. Persuade/Bluff checks against the bureaucrat are made at -6 when they involve any emotional plea.

Aura of Incompetence: The bureaucrat infects all those around him with the spirit of the bureaucracy, impeding their ability to do anything of use. All enemies (and allies at 1/2 effect) within 30 feet receive a 30% chance to miss, effective -4 to INT, 30% chance of spell failure, and a -5 penalty to skill checks. Note that this only effects those who are aware of the bureaucrat. If during a round the entire time is spent being bureaucratic, treat the area for that round as if it were under the effect of a Mind Fog spell.

Soullessness: The bureaucrat has become so immersed the useless bureaucracy that his very soul has withered and gone. The bureaucrat is immune to all fear effects, Fort. saves against enchantments are made with an additional +4 bonus, and is unaffected by instant death effects such as Finger of Death. As well, Scrying cannot be done against the bureaucrat. It is difficult to tell that the bureaucrat is alive at all, or just an inefficient gear in a broken machine.

Paragon of Banality: The bureaucrat has sunk to the deepest levels of of the banal bureaucracy, the very epitome of uselessness. He is not an individual at all, but a single, irrelevant component of a massive, corrupted machine. If the bureaucrat is killed, he is automatically resurrected one day later at some office with XP equal to 10 less than required to reach level 18. The bureaucrat automatically succeeds Facelessness-based hide checks, and is immune to Enchantment and Necromancy.

Epic Bureaucrat

Epic Bureaucrats have reached a critical mass of bureaucratic incompetence; they therefore have nowhere to fall except to progress backwards through the path to power through which they have taken. Thus, each level taken in Epic Bureaucrat does nothing, but removes the highest level of bureaucrat. An Epic Bureaucrat of level 40, for instance, has 20 epic levels and so is effectively level 0.

Lawyer

This needs a description.

Races

Orc-Gnome

Orc-Gnomes are the unfortunate children produced from relations between an Orc and a Gnome. Usually, the mother is a gnome and the father an extremely drunk Orc, though rarely a perverted gnome could be the father. They are awkward, ugly, and generally shunned by everyone they meet. Orc-Gnomes are shorter than humans but taller than the average gnome. They are unusually hardy, but are thick-skulled as well as thick-skinned.

• +2 Str, +4 Con, -2 Dex, -3 Wis, -4 Cha
• Humanoid (1/2 Orc, 1/2 Gnome)
• Medium-Small: As a Medium-Small creature, an orc-gnome gains a +1 size bonus to Armor Class, a +1 size bonus on attack rolls, and a +2 size bonus on Hide checks, but he takes a -2 penalty when using weapons small creatures cannot use, and his lifting and carrying limits are six-sevenths those of a Medium character.
• Orc-gnome base land speed is 20 feet.
• Low-Light Vision: An orc-gnome can see twice as far as a human in starlight, moonlight, torchlight, and similar conditions of poor illumination. He retains the ability to distinguish color and detail under these conditions.
• Weapon Familiarity: The Orc-Gnome is automatically proficient with the greataxe and may use it without the Medium-Small penalty.
• Muddled Thoughts: The orc-gnome's mind is unusually unclear; he is slow to think and weak of mind. Thus, the orc-gnome receives a -2 racial penalty on saving throws against mind-affecting spells. However, the orc=gnome receives a +2 bonus against mind-reading or psionic attacks due to his confused, tangled (or nonexistent) thoughts.
• +1 racial bonus to attack rolls and AC against orcs and gnomes; orc-gnomes are very much used to being attacked by others intolerant of their unique racial status.
• -4 racial penalty to Intimidate checks; while their orc aspect may be fearsome, the gnomishness (especially the unusually high pitched voice of an orc-gnome) makes intimidation difficult.
• +2 pity bonus to bluff, persuade: Orc-gnomes, because of their ugly, awkward appearance are perceived as either incapable of lying by sheer stupidity or in sincere need of help because of their pathetic stature. Thus orc-gnomes, who are actually reasonably intelligent, can use this to their advantage.
• Automatic Languages: Common, Gnome, Orc, and Incoherent Mumbling. Orc-Gnomes have enough trouble dealing with the languages they know; they almost never learn any others.
• Favored Class: Bardarian. The Orc-Gnome appreciates both the berserk rage of the barbarian and the roguish nature of the bard; the bardarian therefore is their ideal class.
• Level Adjustment: -2/5